Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
