I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
