I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
