If i come over, it means nothing
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
