idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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