Umm I'm too high to move.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
