How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
