I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
