I seem to have left my pride at pride
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
