What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
