It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
