officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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