If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My bed smells like the plague
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
