it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
