Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
