Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
