Christians are straight up FREAKS
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
