Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
