Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Randomize
