I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
