The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
