I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
