chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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