If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
