Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
