Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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