Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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