ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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