We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Blood and glitter go together right?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We left the knife in your bed.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We need to get me chipped asap
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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