Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
