I wanna bring you to show and tell
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
