In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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