arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
tell me about the eggs
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
