Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
