wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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