When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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