idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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