There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
