Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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