1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
