Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Randomize
