I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
