You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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