4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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