Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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