Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
