ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
