I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
