be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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