I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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