is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
